Laura-Snail

I am being attacked on all sides.

At work, an icy message because I dared to complain that for some reason, the seminar I organise is judged to be half the workload of all the other seminars -- totally nonsensical: it works in just the same way and meets just as often.
My student is doing well, so the pressure to take on a PhD student is getting more intense.
Just learned that one of my allies is going on 3 years leave.

At DP, yet more rows over accessibility. I have done *so* much work, written wiki pages and how-tos, in an effort to make our HTML versions better, but people are refusing to change. And doing so very rudely and ignorantly and claiming my views are just mine, when I've linked again and again to the W3C guidelines, not to mention dozens of other accessibility websites, forums and blogs. They are doing obviously stupid things, like using alt="Illustration" (!) and taking delight in deliberately doing so and teaching others to do the same.

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The good thing: today I received a lovely letter from Jon's parents, in response to mine. I think they really appreciated what I was trying to say.
Mission accomplished.

But hey. I have done some laundry, just haven't actually taken it out of the machine yet.
Icecream tomorrow — an important pastoral meeting with my student, aimed at convincing her I'm not lying when I tell her she's doing extremely well.

Day 7 now. Still shivers when I move my eyes. And nausea as well. Not been eating much, and sometimes when I do it's just ... eew I wish I hadn't done that. And not sleeping enough, therefore stupidly tired.

Tried sleeping on office floor yesterday. Didn't go to work today. Definition: If day off work makes you happy cos you'll do all the things you've been wanting to find time for ... this is called Lazy. If day off is spent sitting around moping and doing nothing, interspersed with crawling back to bed and attempting to sleep ... this is called Off Sick.
Only it's my own fault I'm "sick".

Internet people seem to think this could last for several weeks.

I posted the letter to Jon's parents today. Handwritten on blank A4: 5 sides. Plus copy of a compilation CD he had given me, plus copies of the photos I have of him (yeah, both of them! It's ok, adding the ones I grabbed from his website, I now have more pictures of Jon than of my father and brother put together :-/)

This has been my "target" for a while: first it was get through the funeral, then it was get the letter written. Now what?

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If more than 10, vote 10.
"Lived with" = in same household, say for 6 months or more.
Yes, I know there can be significant friends and family with whom you've never lived. Sorry but precision is important. For statistical purposes.

I didn't go to work today. Got up late — despite waking at 6:30, just lie there thinking. And felt a bit faint when I did get up. And it's fairly pointless, because I just sit at my desk and think about Jon, or surf the web to avoid thinking. Mathematics is not being done.

Yesterday I began jotting down lots of thoughts about Jon, things I want to say to his family. Today I want to actually write the thing, if I can. But I keep putting it off.
They rang me last night, on my mobile, I didn't find out until bedtime. Wonder why.

Mum wants me to visit this weekend. I don't know. Her inviting me is some kind of acknowledgement that this is a difficult time for me, but mostly she acts as if it's no big deal. On Friday when I told her, I waited until she had finished all her rambling and was saying "Well I think that's all the news". When I said about Jon, she was like "Yes, I could tell from your voice that you were upset." And yet she just rambled on regardless? Even after telling her, this didn't deflect her from her "that's all" and ending the call.
Similarly, on Wednesday, she asked how the funeral went and then wittered on for ages about her cousin and about B's daughter's dog.
Yesterday she had to go to hospital for a test. I know I should have rung to ask about it, but I just can't stand her insensitive chatter. She'll phone me tonight, and I'll need to decide if I'm going there tomorrow.

Thanks for all your messages.

Am ok sort of. Don't really know what to do with myself. Wake up stupidly early when I don't have any thing to do. Spent lots of yesterday cleaning and tidying. And crying. People say it's ok to cry, but I wish I didn't cry this much because my eyes hurt and my nose is red and I get a headache.

I was at church this morning. Only cried a little bit during the service (which isn't that unusual for me anyway) but after the service I told them about Jon. Lucy (one of the captains) and another girl Laura sat with me and had tea and talked and prayed. I never usually go for tea or talk to people cos it's scary, but I did today cos I needed a hug after being alone all day yesterday and Friday since the news. I got several hugs, and a couple whose son had mental health problems and died -- maybe suicide, maybe accident they don't know -- they came and talked to me too.

I'm glad I have their support, but it was rather overwhelming.

My project student started today.
OU exam is tomorrow 10 till 1.
The day after I have to give a maths challenge workshop for 80 school pupils.
After that ... well there's more to say about my last (friendslocked) post (ty for replies) but not yet.
One thing at a time.

So, exam. I have done some work. I wish there was more time to do more work. I have tried doing some timed answers -- even though I plan, I keep forgetting to include things. Gosh, I hope my writing's legible. I've been listening to the CDs, put them on my iPod so I can listen on way to work etc. I still feel there are a bunch of actual facts that need to be implanted into my brain by tomorrow, as well as getting more used to the scribbling of answers.

3 hours, 3 essays. Followed by work.

Don't know why but I seem to keep getting into rows all the time.

So there was the fight with S at work. No, I haven't complied with his request for written statement or apology. I don't think there's anything he can do about it.

There's been the usual arguments over web accessibility. Sometimes I really want to tear my hair out. Or just give up. One well-meaning volunteer listened to some of what I said, listened to their work in a free screenreader (hooray!) .... and as a result decided to stop using heading tags because hearing "Heading level 3" and the like sounds annoying. *buries face in hands*

Plus a big thread in which I am vilified for being annoyed that the people who upload my finished ebook sometimes change things -- remove things, either accidentally or deliberately, things that are not wrong and are in fact improvements (including some web accessibility improvements) all without telling me. Dare to voice this and everyone piles in telling me how wonderful those people are and how hard they work. So?

Another work person visiting atm. A good guy, but very loud and someone with whom I invariably argue. And I can't get away from. He's like a mathematician on speed. Rather highlights how slow and crap I am. And I mean loud. Every argument with him is heard by the entire corridor.

Arguing with my mother ... she sent me a whining letter in which she said I "hadn't visited for SO long". Wtf? I was there for 5 days over Easter. It's only the start of June. B's children don't spend all their annual leave at her house, do they? Ah, but I'm single, and my job isn't a real job anyway, so I have nothing better to do than go back there. Well I'm going tomorrow evening, till the following morning. Great.

And in the middle of all these rows for some reason I decide I need BUS...!

Today's PhD Comic is so true....